✨ Your Integration Bestie ✨

𝐌𝐲 𝐃𝐮𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐓𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐖𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐖𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐓𝐢𝐦𝐞

I promise I’ll talk about small talk in a minute. But first… let’s do some small talk (or mid-size talk? lol).

So, I’ve spent the last few weeks back home in Australia – intentionally slowing down, stepping away from work, and soaking up time with family and friends.

There were endless social gatherings. Long lunches. Loud dinners. Casual catch-ups that somehow turned into hours. 

And honestly… I didn’t realise how much I had missed this – the Aussie way of interacting! There’s a kind of warmth, a rhythm to it, that you only notice when you’ve been away for a while.

After living in the Netherlands for over two years, I’d grown used to the no-BS approach to almost everything. Small talk? Often skipped. Straight to the point. Efficient. Practical.

And here I am, back in Sydney, at Christmas dinner, when the topic of small talk somehow comes up. 

My brother, a savvy car salesman in Sydney, and my partner, Dutch (and therefore very direct 🤫), end up in this fascinating discussion about it.

One sees small talk as a bridge. 

The other sees it as superficial and prefers to skip the warm-up, diving straight into what’s meaningful.

Sitting there, listening to both sides, I could see that each had valid points, and I could also see my Dutch partner starting to realise that maybe small talk isn’t all that bad after all. 

Because small talk isn’t about the weather. Or filler words. Or saying things just to say them.

It’s about entry. It’s how certain cultures quietly test safety, warmth, and belonging before going deeper.

Because really – why would someone want to go deeper with you if they haven’t even felt that yet?

For multilingual professionals, this is often where confidence quietly collapses – not because your English isn’t good enough, but because no one ever taught you how these invisible social rules work.

***

𝐖𝐡𝐲 𝐒𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐓𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐎𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐌𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐌𝐞 𝐂𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞

For a long time, I could handle work conversations just fine. Sure, they still required brain power, but at least I felt equipped. I had the knowledge. The vocabulary. After all, this was what I’d studied for years. Talking about language acquisition felt familiar — even comfortable.

But small talk? That drained me. Sometimes it genuinely irritated me. I remember sitting in meetings, watching the first ten minutes disappear into what felt like meaningless chit-chat, while all I wanted was for us to get down to business. Like, NOW. Please. 🙄🙄🙄

Looking back, I see why.

• I realised that while I knew all the right words for my job, chatting about everyday topics, for example, the latest TV show or sports, suddenly felt like a real foreign language.

• I also remember how empty “Nice weather today” felt when I didn’t know how to follow it up with anything real. I’d say it… and then panic internally. Now what?

• On top of that, small talk just wasn’t something I’d grown up valuing. In some cultures, you get straight to the point (my Dutch partner definitely does), so part of me genuinely wondered: why waste time?

And honestly? Work felt safer. Work conversations are structured. Predictable. They live in my comfort zone.

Small talk, on the other hand, demanded something else – cultural awareness, familiarity with slang, a sense of timing. 

No wonder it felt tiring.

So I avoided it.

But here’s what I didn’t realise back then: 

by skipping small talk, I was also skipping opportunities to connect.

***

“𝐏𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐯𝐞𝐬.”

Eventually, I started noticing the small moments : five minutes in the elevator, waiting for the microwave, bumping into someone in the kitchen. 

I used to mentally write those moments off as meaningless. But they weren’t.

Those tiny interactions started creating ripple effects I hadn’t expected

How? 

A quick laugh. A shared complaint about the coffee machine. Discovering a mutual love for dumplings. Small things — but they made people feel familiar. Warmer. Easier to approach.

And once that familiarity was there, everything else flowed more naturally. Collaboration felt smoother. Asking for help felt less intimidating. Trust built faster than I thought possible.

That’s when it clicked for me: People like people who are like themselves.

And small talk is your chance to discover what you have in common, no matter how small. You just need to learn to make small talk meaningful.

***

𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐨𝐧 𝐌𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐈 𝐔𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐌𝐚𝐤𝐞 

Looking back, my struggles weren’t about English. They were about habits.

• I had no conversation topics prepared. 
• I waited for others to start conversations, which made me passive. 
• I took myself too seriously, worrying about my accent or mistakes.
• I focused too much on myself instead of being curious.

Once I started to put effort into changing that, small talk started to feel easier. 

***

𝐒𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐧𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐝

Let me tell you a story about a student of mine, Kevin. He’s a brilliant engineer, deeply passionate about his work, and he can talk about engineering-related topics all day. But once the conversation moves beyond work? He doesn’t know what to say — and he goes quiet.

We worked together, practised scenarios, and built his confidence. 

Then one day, during a coaching call, Kevin told me “something happened at work today.”

And this is what happened: 

Kevin was making a cup of coffee in the staff kitchen when the director walked in – someone Kevin usually avoided.

But this time, he decided to just try. To practice.

He started with the usual small talk – the weather, the commute, the things that normally make him squirm. But he stuck with it.

And then the conversation unfolded. One thing led to another, and before he knew it, they discovered they had both worked in Singapore.

They laughed about the chaos of Singapore traffic, shared stories of favourite lunch spots – little, everyday experiences. Mundane? Maybe. But that shared connection instantly created a bridge. Kevin felt a spark of connection he hadn’t felt before.

And then something unexpected happened. As the conversation continued, the director started noticing more than just Kevin’s words. He saw Kevin’s thoughtfulness and curiosity — qualities that didn’t always come through in meetings or emails.

By the end of the coffee break, the director said something like,
“You know, Kevin, there’s a role opening in our company that I think you’d be perfect for.”

Kevin froze. He had only intended to practice small talk! He walked in hoping to experiment, and walked out with a career-changing opportunity.

How crazy is this!?

Now, of course I’m not saying something life-changing would happen every time you small talk. However, if you get comfortable with it and stay open, you never know what doors a little small talk might open. 

Kevin’s story is a perfect example. It shows exactly how small talk can create connection, and even unexpected opportunities.

***

𝐒𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐓𝐚𝐥𝐤 𝐒𝐮𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐒𝐞𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐭𝐬

At the heart of successful small talk is one key principle: finding common ground. (just like Kevin did when he bonded over their shared time in Singapore)

Here are some practical starter strategies:

1. Start with familiar topics
   Sports, family, current events, hobbies, or even your latest Netflix obsession. These are easy “entry points” that almost everyone can relate to, and they give you a natural way to open the conversation.
   
2. Be observant
   Look around. Artwork, toys, books, photos – anything in your environment can spark connection. That little detail you notice might just be the icebreaker that leads to a deeper conversation.
   
3. Be proactive
   Don’t wait for someone else to start. Take the first step with a topic you feel comfortable discussing. Being proactive puts you in control, so you get to talk about the topics you’ve prepared!
   
4. Be curious
   Ask about their family, passions, worries, culture, or dreams. Genuine curiosity is what turns small talk into meaningful conversation. Remember Kevin? His questions and interest in the director’s experiences made the conversation real – and memorable.
   

There you have it!

If you want to take it further, inside my course Confident Connector Kit, I guide non-native English-speaking professionals through navigating work meeting nerves and workplace social situations in Western, multicultural environments – even if you’re introverted, like me 🙋🏻‍♀️👑

So next time you step into a meeting, join a lunch, or even ride an elevator, remember this: a few minutes of thoughtful small talk isn’t wasted. It’s a chance to connect, to be seen, and maybe even open doors you never expected. 

You’ve got this! ✨

Anita x